When She's Right, She's Right

I never thought I would find myself agreeing with Ann Coulter. But damn it, when she's right, she's right!

Yes, the acid-tongued, anorexic scarecrow who so rightfully pointed out to all us liberals that we are godless has brilliantly figured out how to win the war in Iraq.

All we have to do, as Ann explained last night on Hardball With Chris Matthews, is to kill a lot more innocent people.

It's so simple, brilliant, and effective I can't see how I've been so wrong about her for so long.

I know there are some Ann Coulter haters who will refuse to believe she actually said anything that insightful - that I am twisting her words to make her sound more intelligent than she truly is - but if you don't believe me, just listen to a rerun of last night's Hardball.

As she pointed out, our troops have just been too frigging cautious about causing collateral damage. Hell, as she explained, we slaughtered more innocent people in a single day during World War II than we have butchered during the entire war in Iraq.

And that just ain't right! (Merely killing only thousands of bystanders demonstrates a decisive lack of commitment.)

Again, to paraphrase Ann, if we simply massacre enough innocent people, the insurgents will lose their will to fight.

And again, she's right. Shit, there's nothing like forty-to-fifty thousand partial corpses of exploded babies to get the insurgents' heads straight.

But why stop with mere butchery? Unbridled raping, massive indiscriminate torturing, and wholesale plundering would tremendously facilitate our efforts to save the Iraqi people from the evils of radical Islamic fundamentalism.

(Sorry, I forgot. People who are not godless don't rape. So scratch the rape part. We'll have to settle for merely killing, maiming, and mutilating innocent men, women, and children. Since Ann's advocating that, that has to be okay with God.)

But, even without the rape, pillage, and plunder we should still be able to sufficiently dishearten the insurgents by turning all of Iraq into a bloody heap of lifeless corpses in just a couple months.

That will make everyone happy and enable us to bring our troops home and to place them strategically along the Mexican border. (If we build a wall of Mexican corpses ten-feet high running the entire length of our southern border it will destroy the will of would-be illegal immigrants to slither into our country.)

That will solve all our problems.

And the beautiful thing about Ann's kill-everyone-who-gets-in-our-path solution is that if our military troops don't have the stomach for wholesale, indiscriminate slaughter, (some of them are godless liberals) Halliburton will cheerfully do anything we ask for only a couple billion dollars a day.